The 99 problems with Phoenix


Phoenix does a lot of amazingly good things, but despite what Kanye would have you believe, no one is perfect. The valley has its fair share of problems like everyone else – in fact, it has exactly 99 …

1. Today’s forecast? Same as the last 300 days.
2. Summer is like living in front of the sun
3. Everyone has allergies
4. If you somehow born have allergies, there is always valley fever
5. Cold tap water never gets really cold
6. Scorpions in the house are a reality
7. The Scorpions Inside Those Shoes You Left Out Are Real
8. No matter where you are leaving from, your destination is half an hour away
9. The city has one of the worst air pollution in the country
ten. Despite just hosting the Super Bowl, our biggest national name is Jodi Arias

Rebecca Pisani / Thrillist

11. Javelinas adorably attacking your garbage
12. Summers can be unbearably hot
13. You can’t leave anything with a melting point below 300F in your car
14. And don’t forget to take this water bottle with you when you get out of the car, unless you like to drink liquid fire
15. Termites
16. Entering or leaving a swimming pool without a cool terrace is like stepping on hot lava
17. Homeowners associations are the norm
18. There is no real “city center”
19. Most major concert tours tend to ignore us in favor of Vegas
20. We are about an hour from the largest nuclear power plant in the country
21. Public transport? What public transport?

22. Texting while driving is legal
23. … but you can still be arrested with a DUI even if you are under the legal limit
24. Everything is beige … houses, buildings, landscapes …
25. Sunscreen is mandatory
26. Sheriff Joe
27. The people who keep re-electing Sheriff Joe
28. Wait. It’s getting worse. Sheriff Joe hired actor Steven Seagal to train his group of volunteers.
29. Our politicians are not much better. Our lawmakers tried to pass a bill that would deny services to LGBT clients.
30. They also just passed a bill that cuts funding for higher education by $ 99 million.
31. Beggars are a common sight on street corners

32. You have to queue up to an hour for the brisket at the Little Miss BBQ
33. Monsoons
34. People forget how to drive when it rains
35. When buying a car, black and other dark colors are out of the question
36. Leather seats are a death sentence for your skin
37. Car batteries and tires last about half as long as in other states
38. Many of the best restaurants are in the suburbs
39. Haboobs
40. Dust is a fact of life
41. Low cost of living = low paying jobs
42. People drive everywhere
43. Slow landscaping trucks in the left lane
44. Snowbirds in any lane
45. Because people tend to buy homes near their workplace, they never leave their neighborhood

46. Black widow spiders.
47. Restaurant chains dominate the culinary scene
48. The rest of the country sees Phoenix as an ultra-conservative city
49. And they are not too far …
50. Did we mention it was really hot in here?
51. You can’t carry your gun in a bar
52. Despite changing over half of roster, Suns continue to lose
53. Thanks to the changes in flight paths, we have to deal with excessive noise from Sky Harbor airport
54. Almost all of the blocks have a securities lending office. Who are all these people who use their cars for money?
55. Local channels abound with commercials for securities lending and accident lawyers
56. Seat belt buckle burns
57. Roof rats
58. There is no need to buy or wear fluffy cashmere sweaters
59. Because Arizona does not track daylight saving time, you need to remember what time zone you are in each season.

Rebecca Pisani / Thrillist

60. Children never have a white Christmas
61. Instead of snowmen, they have to settle for tumbleweed men
62. Google Fiber is not there yet
63. Takeaway restaurants tend to close at 9 p.m.
64. The city is closing its shelters for the homeless. No plan has been put in place to help those who will be displaced.
65. The people of Los Angeles hate our city (although it might not be such a bad thing)
66. Finding a reliable, quality contractor / handyman is almost impossible.]
67. Shopping malls are always busy, even during the work week
68. There is an obvious lack of architectural diversity
69. Anti-Mexican sentiment is blatant
70. Still, everyone is heading to Los Algodones for cheap dental care
71. Green lawns are rare
72. We must get our water from the Colorado river
73. Our VA health care system is criticized for allowing veterans to die while waiting for care

74. Roosevelt Row may be in town to build condominiums
75. Some iconic Roosevelt Row murals have already been destroyed by the developers
76. Visitors who always ask to fry an egg on the sidewalk
77. There is no change of season unless you count the monsoon season
78. Your car is probably stolen right now
79. Your bike too
80. The growing push for medical marijuana. Legalize it already!
81. Police surveillance helicopters are worrying common sites
82. Trying to choose the best tacos
83. Because it’s always warm, people tend to wear less. There is constant pressure to look good.
84. Therefore, plastic surgery is everywhere
85. There is also an overabundance of “natural” blondes.
86. The devoured food festival sells out in days
87. Despite the fact that like most other food festivals it is overpriced
88. The University of Phoenix

89. Prickly pear cacti are covered with tiny barbed thorns that are difficult to remove
90. Accidents that stopped the I-10
91. Because we get so much sun, solar power is popular. But SRP wants to charge solar users a fee to offset lost energy bills
92. The lack of a defined culture
93. Braking for golf carts crossing the street
94. People who let their cats and dogs run free. We have coyotes, people!
95. Nobody is from here
96. The tallest building is only 40 floors
97. Our groundwater is extremely hard; you need water softener, RO filter and lime taste
98. What is that? Another margarita?
99. You have to listen to everyone, including us, complaining about the heat.

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